The screened room was where Kris and Joe spent lots of time together. They would sit out there and smoke their cigarettes and talk about anything and everything. When we came home from the hospital in the wee hours of the morning that first night after the event there was so much of Joey’s blood that had to be cleaned up. We never really got it all out of the cement floor, even with the bleach and scrubbing. The worst of the room was that it made Kristy so desperately sad. Her brother would no longer be there, or anywhere for her. She missed him the most when she stepped out there. We both miss him at every turn in this house, but also in every corner of our heart as well. That will never end. But we will never have him back again. It is impossible to turn the clock back, or to undo what has been done. No “do-overs” in life. If anyone is looking for a “do-over” just remember that once a decision is made – simple or great – and you have taken the action, there is no turning back. You can’t undo anything you have done with your time.
Think about your options every time one arises. Some decisions we make seem harmless, others are more dramatic. An example is for a person who is trying to get to a healthier weight or live a more healthy lifestyle who chooses or refuses a larger portion of food. What’s an extra serving of mashed potatoes or another piece of candy? Right now the extra calories don’t seem like much, but over a longer period of time what we choose adds up for the good or the bad. Still, the weigh gain from last year’s bad choices might be corrected but the work to get that weight off is a hard struggle and uses up time you could have been enjoying otherwise. What you do with your time really matters because there are no second chances except the one you get when you think twice in the first place. Let’s say there is something you need to study for but there are more fun things you would rather do. It’s your choice to give into putting your studying aside and muddle through in the end less prepared or make the decision to stick with your studies knowing that being more prepared for the task is where the pay off really is. That’s your second chance to make a better grade and to actually be more happy – your choice before the action. Then, after you have examined your choices and understand the potential outcome – just do it! Don’t cry over your choices once they have been made, you get no do overs! What ever it was that any of us could have done differently before that night do not matter. We may be able to take a lesson from it, but we will never get to go back in time and change anything. All we have is the moment we are currently in and to dwell in past moments as if we can get back to the way it was is self destructive.
That screened room was too painful as it was. Two different people have suggested to us that perhaps the destruction of that room had a purpose beyond accident. It is for sure that Kristy did not mean to let it happen. The counselor this afternoon pointed out that fire is the great cleanser and this room has now been cleansed of the bad memories (the place where his blood was spilled and the emptiness that was so evident). Kristy is now free to hold on to and treasure the joyful memories she shared with him back when. It will not be the same room ever again. It will be something new but her memories will live on in her heart. Perhaps by Divine intervention our house, and consequently our life, was spared. It could have been so much worse and is amazing that fire didn’t invade and perhaps overtake the house.
No cards or other craft to share today. I am still struggling to find the energy to play with my rubber and ink. I need the motivation so I can try harder to get in the craft room and make something. I still want to make a card for Hospice House. We are still making plans for the memorial service and I’m not letting that slip. I want to make the best choice possible to honor my dear son because there are no do-overs – once the service takes place, it’s what it is and the moments will be gone.
I am so thankful to all of you who have supported us with the prayers, calls and cards – thank you my friends!